Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
