the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Church boner. Awkwardddd
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
