I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
