1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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