You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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