just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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