so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
