I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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