M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
wow bdsm is so cute
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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