i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
