I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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