I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i already hear my dad disowning me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
