Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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