evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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