I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
