What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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