I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
