Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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