does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
