he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
