i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love having hate sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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