I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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