drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
