am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
