Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
