I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
