kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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