At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
