You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
