The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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