$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
