I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
