im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
