I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
