I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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