I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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