Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
