see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
