Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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