dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
