Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm like, not good at living.
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