we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I would ride that face into the sunset
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
