last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
