I think im going to throw up on grandma
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
