I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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