Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
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At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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