It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Houston, we have a blender
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
