he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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