I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
