Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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