I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I've blown a few things in my day
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
