I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
