You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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