New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
