hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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