More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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