I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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